Manners Matter More

There’s a story I love to share in my Reach for the Stars ATX workshops. It may or may not have actually happened, but it should have because, to me, it’s the perfect example of what true class looks like. More than anything, I hope my students take this lesson with them long after our time together: that kindness and grace will always matter more than knowing and following every rule.

The story goes like this: Queen Victoria once hosted an African king at a formal royal dinner. There was fine china, gleaming silver, and a perfectly folded napkin at every place. No detail was overlooked; it was the kind of dinner where you’d glance around to see what everyone else was doing before daring to move your fork.

Toward the end of the meal, finger bowls were placed before each guest. In England and in certain circles, they were meant for rinsing one’s fingers - a little dip of water with lemon to clean up before dessert. But this particular custom wasn’t something the visiting king was familiar with. Thinking it was a special drink, he lifted the delicate bowl and took a sip.

There was a gasp, and then the room went silent. All those well-practiced dinner guests froze, waiting to see how the Queen would respond. But rather than correcting him or calling attention to the moment, Queen Victoria quietly lifted her own bowl and took a sip.

And that was that. The tension disappeared, the conversation continued, and the dinner carried on. A small, graceful moment that spoke volumes.

That’s the difference between etiquette and manners. Etiquette is knowing the rules. Manners are knowing how to make someone feel comfortable when the rules get broken.

The Queen could have chosen the “proper” response. Instead, she chose the right one.

It’s such a powerful example, and it’s exactly what I teach in my workshops. We spend time learning etiquette because it’s helpful to know the customs of the world; how to shake hands, write a thank-you note, or navigate a dinner table with confidence. But all of those skills only matter when they’re guided by good manners.

Manners come from the heart. They’re about respect, empathy, and putting others at ease. When we teach children to lead with kindness, they grow into people who can handle any situation with confidence - even the unexpected ones.

I tell my students that true leadership isn’t about having the fanciest title or knowing every rule. It’s about how you treat people. It’s how you make others feel seen, respected, and valued - no matter the setting.

So whether this story of the Queen and the African king actually took place or not, it remains one of my favorites. In that moment, real or imagined, we’re reminded that true class isn’t about flawless etiquette; it’s about making others feel seen, respected, and comfortable.